So you made a mistake the first time. The marriage fell apart, or they died. You’re alone and lonely. You think it would be nice to have someone in your life again. It would be comforting to find someone to talk with, to laugh with and share a meal with, someone to help in making the hard decisions. All of these are legitimate desires and maybe some day they will be fulfilled, but much thought must be put into entering a new relationship.
Expecting Mr. or Ms. Wonderful to just fall into one’s life is a fairy tale. Granted, there are stories of couples meeting and knowing from the beginning, that they were meant for each other, but not often. These are the exception to the rule.
Getting Ready For “Mr. Or Ms. Right”
“Falling in love” is not a license to lose one’s mind. Falling in love is not a guarantee of happiness. Getting prepared to be loved, and to love, is insurance of a longer, happier, relationship.
You may know what you want, but what do you have to offer to a partner?
Getting To Know Yourself By Writing in Your Journal
Everyone should have a personal Journal or Memory Book, one where you write thoughts, feelings, memories, hopes and dreams. This is not wasted effort. Weeks from now you may be surprised at the changes in you, mostly positive. Listing such observances such as the following, are especially helpful.
· Do you know that person reflecting in the mirror? Who are you?
· What are your gifts?
· What are your faults?
· What are your weaknesses? Do you know? How do you know?
· Do you have a healthy self-esteem?
· What makes you angry?
· What makes you happy?
· Why are you submissive? Or, are you too aggressive?
· What do you value?
· Do you take your time, in order to make good judgments?
· What are the negotiables in your life?
· How much of yourself are you willing to offer your future partner.
Some Time Alone Is A Good Thing.
Instead of regretting your loneliness, take that time asking yourself those questions. Read books on self-esteem, relationships, and successful living. Write in your own private journal or memory book, all the things you feel, remember, and hope for. Nothing is taboo! Remember, this is your own personal living journal. No one is to see this but you. Keep the book in a private place. Occasionally re-read what you have written. You may be surprised by your inner feelings, written there on the paper. You will eventually see changes occurring in your personality and your circumstances. Getting to know one’s self is essential before moving on to a new relationship. Finding someone to share our life with, begins with one’s self.
Suppose you find someone who you feel is a good candidate for sharing your time with, do you know how to proceed? Should you?
Some Questions To Consider About Your Possible, Intended
· Do you know what you like and dislike in this person?
· Can you tolerate a smoker/drinker?
· Is he or she God-centered?
· Are they affectionate or a cold fish?
· Are they employed or financially able?
· Have you considered that your choice could jeopardize your financial future?
· Does he or she meet your expectations, desires and needs?
· Do they want or have children? Do you?
· What do you know about their past history?
· Do they get along well with their family? Your family?
· Does this person instill “loving feelings” in you?
· What are their faults, from your perspective? Can you handle that for 40 years?
· Can you picture yourself being patient with, and growing old with this person?
Writing Your Lists
Writing your personal lists down may be the best thing you can do for yourself. Just thinking about them is not enough, they must be written down. Read them out loud, thus using your auditory senses to absorb the information.
· Feel it: writing,
· See it, reading,
· Hear it, speaking it out loud.
· Using as many senses as possible helps one to incorporate information, admit desires and make real, that which is desired.
Once put into ink, you may refer to the list again and again, thus compounding your senses a number of ways. Chances are better that you will take action and receive that which you expect.
What About Your Gifts?
· What do you have to offer?
· Are you kind?
· Are you understanding?
· Do you listen attentively to them or do you want to have the last word?
· Are you willing to give in sometimes, (compromise) when a conflict occurs? How far will you go in backing down?
· Do superficial attributes like looks or appearance have a part in your choice? Are they important to you? In your opinion, should they be?
· Are you financially independent, should the whole relationship fall apart? OR, would you find yourself in a no-win situation and have to stay in it for financial security?
· Would you like to be YOUR friend?
Marital Partnership Means Two People
Relationships take a concerted effort on the parts of both individuals. One person working on a successful partnership does not work. The word “partnership” requires 2 people. Regardless of how much one does, gives, or believes, if the other partner is not cooperating, it just can’t work. A relationship with one’s self is not what you are after now is it? You already have that. Regardless of how dedicated one is to the union, both parties have to contribute or sooner or later, the person who is feeling overburdened is going to become angry, resentful or wanting to quit and sometimes does.
If one or both make their job the #1 priority, be it parenthood or a paid position, and neglect other facets of the union, trouble begins to brew. Taking the other partner for granted causes them to “melt into the woodwork” and become a non-entity. This can be the worst kind of insult and injury. Being your own person, liking yourself, having personal activities outside of work and the relationship, is essential.
Communication, Verbal And Non-verbal
Refusing to talk about issues, problems, funny daily events, etc. leads to the danger zone. If you share the same bed, there should be no reason not to share thoughts, feelings and hopes. Communication is key, both verbal and non-verbal. What is non-verbal communication? A wink, a smile, looking directly into the eyes of the person you live and breed with, touching, if just a hand on the back of the neck, or shoulder, hand holding, kissing, hugging are all soul-healing, healthy, necessities for a couple.
Don’t Try To Change Him/Her
Expecting your partner to change can be heartbreaking. What you see is what you get, Period! Regardless of how cute, sexy or smart you are they won’t change unless they want to. After 30, 40 or 50 years, people seldom vary from their established personalities. (Excepting Midlife Crisis) and you don’t want a piece of that! If you are repulsed by some habit or quirk or personality glitch, expect to live with it or move on.
There Is A Difference Between Falling In Love And Loving Someone.
In love is a feeling, loving someone is a choice, and the choice is yours alone. Choose wisely.
For more tips and tools to on how to survive divorce and loss and make healthy relationship choices you are invited to visit http://butterflyintonewlife.blogspot.com/index.html
Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people, a group called “StartingOver” As A Single, for the past 11 years. She has been the writer/ producer of “SINGLES PERSPECTIVES” a newsletter for Single Friends in Christ, a social group for Singles in Virginia Beach, for 10 years.